Livin' the Life Read online

  “What!?” Zuri exclaimed. “That better just be the name of an old TV show!”

  A scream cut through the penthouse. Everyone ran into the kitchen, where they found Bertram crouched on top of a stool, pointing at the floor and gibbering, “The horror…the horror!”

  Lucy was sitting on the floor, innocently twitching her cute little nose.

  “Lucy!” Zuri said joyfully. “Here, hold this.” She thrust Lucy 2.0 into Bertram’s hands. Then she picked up Lucy and cradled the rabbit against her chest.

  Bertram held Lucy 2.0 as far away from him as he could and sobbed in terror. Jessie mercifully took the rabbit from him and put it in the cage.

  “Bertram, calm yourself, man!” Ravi said, cutting through the sobs. “Even I am embarrassed for you, and I am afraid of safety pins.”

  Jessie’s eyebrows shot up. “Really?” she asked.

  “There is nothing safe about them,” Ravi told her matter-of-factly.

  Bertram pointed at the dumbwaiter. “Look what that monster left in there!”

  Jessie opened the dumbwaiter door and gasped. The dumbwaiter was filled with cute, fuzzy baby bunnies—all with black-and-white fur just like Lucy’s!

  “Wow!” Zuri cooed. “That explains why, no matter how many times I fed her, Lucy’s bowl was always empty.”

  “She was eating for…fourteen…fifteen…sixteen!” Ravi said.

  Zuri set Lucy down suddenly. “Yuck…Make that seventeen.” The bunny was still having babies!

  “But the good news is Lucy is not dead after all,” Ravi said happily.

  “Say what now?” Zuri turned to him.

  Ravi smiled sheepishly. “That piece of fluff I found in Mrs. Kipling’s cage must have come from Emma’s faux-fur jacket! I guess Mrs. Kipling ate it. No one tell Emma.”

  But Emma had heard everything. “What?” she yelled, storming in. “You let that lizard menace into my closet? And she ate my jacket?”

  “Uh-oh, someone drew a Hissy Fit Card,” Ravi said, and then ran up the back stairs. “This innie is outtie!”

  Emma followed him. “Ravi, if you don’t control that lizard, then I will!”

  “Zuri, I’m really sorry I doubted you. Turns out you’re the responsible one,” Jessie said. Then she picked up a baby bunny and cuddled it.

  “Thanks, Jessie. Try to remember that when you go to that meeting with my teacher tomorrow,” Zuri said guiltily.

  “What meeting?” Jessie asked sternly.

  “We’ll talk,” Zuri said, and then held up some baby bunnies to distract Jessie.

  Bertram looked like he might pass out. “Nineteen bunnies! Could this get any worse?”

  “Obviously you don’t know much about bunnies,” Jessie said, laughing.

  Luke and Brett had spent the entire day watching football and eating pizza bagels. Luke was pretty sure it was the beginning of a long and beautiful friendship.

  “I can’t wait for baseball season!” Luke smiled. “My dad has Yankees season tickets.”

  Brett looked concerned. “Wait! You’re a Yankees fan?”

  “Of course! If you live in New York, you’re a Yankees fan,” Luke told him.

  “Unless you’re a Mets fan!” Brett said, disgusted. “Ugh, how do you sleep at night?”

  “In my Yankees jammies, on my Yankees sheets, under my twenty-seven Yankees World Series pennants! Which I believe is twenty-five more than your team!” Luke countered, his voice getting louder and louder.

  “How dare you?” Brett shouted. “This . . . is over!”

  “It most certainly is,” Luke agreed.

  Brett headed toward the kitchen with his plate of pizza bagels.

  “And, Brett…”

  “Yeah, Luke?” Brett stopped and turned around hopefully.

  “Leave the snacks,” Luke said coldly.

  Brett narrowed his eyes. “Gladly.” Then he threw his plate down and stormed out.

  Luke looked at the spilled pizza bagels for a moment, then shrugged, picked them up off the floor, and ate one as Bertram walked in.

  “Bertram, throw out everything Brett touched,” Luke ordered.

  “Great. So that includes you and Emma,” Bertram said gleefully.

  “Uh-oh,” Luke groaned.

  Jessie pounded on Zuri’s bedroom door. They had to get a move on or Zuri was going to be late for school.

  “Zuri, hurry!” Jessie yelled. “I said ‘five minutes’ five minutes ago!”

  “Oh? You think my morning breath is bad?” Ravi said to Mrs. Kipling as he stormed out of his room. “An animal actually did die in your mouth!”

  Mrs. Kipling followed him out of his room, hissing angrily and whipping her tail back and forth. She slapped Jessie in the legs with her tail as she turned and stormed back into Ravi’s room, slamming the door behind her.

  “Ow! Only seven-thirty and I already have my first kid-related injury,” Jessie groaned, rubbing her calves.

  “Mrs. Kipling is being impossible!” Ravi exclaimed.

  “You know she always gets cranky just before she sheds her skin,” Jessie said.

  “But now she is constantly cranky! Ever since the babies hatched, I have been walking on eggshells,” Ravi said.

  “Well, now that her babies are living in the lizard sanctuary, maybe she has actual empty-nest syndrome.”

  “Sure, take her side!” Ravi scowled as he turned and headed down the hall. “You women always stick together!”

  Mrs. Kipling opened Ravi’s door and hissed at him.

  “Sisters are doin’ it for themselves. Am I right?” Jessie said to her.

  Mrs. Kipling nodded and hissed approvingly.

  Jessie sighed and closed her laptop. She’d gotten the kids off to school and she and Bertram had been having a quiet breakfast, but she couldn’t enjoy it.

  “Darla just had to e-mail me every detail about the trip she and her boyfriend took to Rio,” Jessie grumbled. “The most exotic place Tony’s taken me is the Empanada Garden.”

  Bertram looked at her over the top of his latest issue of Gentleman’s Gentleman Quarterly. “Hey, nothing says ‘I love you’ like a deep-fried meat pillow.”

  A high-pitched laugh echoed through the kitchen. Jessie and Bertram exchanged looks and then both peered at the far wall, from which they thought the sound had come. Jessie walked toward it and opened the dumbwaiter. Zuri was sitting inside, holding two of her dolls. She gave Jessie a sheepish smile.

  “Zuri, what are you doing in the dumbwaiter?” Jessie asked. “I put you on the bus!”

  “The bus has two doors,” Zuri replied. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m playing Oprah and Gayle with my dollies.” She reached up and started to pull the dumbwaiter door closed, but Jessie stopped her. She pulled Zuri out of the dumbwaiter and led her to the kitchen table.

  “Why aren’t you in school?” Jessie asked, upset.

  “The more important question might be, do my parents know you both just sit around when we’re not home?” Zuri asked pointedly.

  Bertram held up his hands defensively. “Hey, I am researching kitchen cleaners! Your mother hates it when the stainless steel gets streaky. She can’t see herself in the fridge.”

  “Don’t change the subject,” Jessie said. “Zuri, why don’t you want to go to school?”

  “Because,” Zuri whined, “Mrs. Falkenberg is the meanest teacher in the world!”

  “How could she be mean to you? You’re so adorable,” Jessie said.

  “I know, right?” Zuri nodded. “She’s a monster!”

  “Zuri, I’m sure you’re exaggerating, but tomorrow I start volunteering as your class aide, so I can see what’s going on,” Jessie said reassuringly.

  “So tomorrow I get the house to myself?” Bertram exclaimed, jumping up. “I can play my mus
ic as loud as I want! A new Mozart album just dropped, you know.”

  “You’re a wild man, Bertram,” Zuri said, shaking her head.

  “Yeah, way to let your back hair down,” Jessie added, rolling her eyes.

  The next morning, Jessie walked into Zuri’s classroom, ready for her first day as a teacher’s aide. She hadn’t been so excited since she graduated from high school. She had a brand-new backpack and lunch box and a shiny new name tag.

  As soon as Jessie walked in, she spotted Zuri sitting at a desk, looking like a perfect angel. Jessie smiled and waved at Zuri and then headed to Mrs. Falkenberg’s desk. Mrs. Falkenberg, her brown hair pulled back in a severe ponytail, was flipping through work sheets.

  “Hi, Mrs. Falkenberg. I’m Jessie, your new classroom aide. I brought lunch, a juice box, and safety scissors,” Jessie said as an introduction.

  “I think Zuri has everything she needs,” Mrs. Falkenberg said snidely, raising one eyebrow.

  “Oh. Um, they’re for me,” Jessie said, blushing but still enthusiastic. “So, which is my chair? Can I be near the window? When do I get to mold young minds?”

  “No molding,” Mrs. Falkenberg snapped. “Just distract them with shiny objects so they don’t eat their weight in crayons. Okay?”

  “O-kay,” Jessie said, feeling intimidated. She could see why Zuri thought her teacher was a little mean.

  Mrs. Falkenberg handed a stack of work sheets to Jessie and then sat back in her desk chair. “All right,” she said loudly to the class. “While Ms. Perky Pants here passes out the work sheets, some-one tell me a country that borders Germany.”

  “Why do we need to know where Germany is?” Zuri asked. “That’s the Internet’s job.”

  Mrs. Falkenberg shook her head. “Zuri Ross, I think we’ve already had one too many opinions from you this morning.”

  Jessie gave Zuri a stern look as she handed her a work sheet.

  Mrs. Falkenberg moved her chair toward the map. The chair let out a long squeak that sounded suspiciously like a fart.

  “And I think you had one too many burritos for dinner last night,” Zuri retorted, giggling.

  All the students in the class laughed loudly.

  “It was the chair!” Mrs. Falkenberg exclaimed. “Zuri Ross, once again, you’re first on the Naughty Board.” She jumped up and strode to a whiteboard with “Naughty List” written at the top in blue marker.

  “Not again!” Zuri said.

  “Yes again!” Mrs. Falkenberg insisted as she jotted Zuri’s name on the board.

  Jessie followed the teacher. “I’m so sorry. She’s much better behaved at home.”

  “Jessie, I think we both know that’s not true,” Zuri whispered to her. “She’s mean, but she’s not an idiot!”

  “So now that you’ve seen Falkenbooger in action, you get that she’s a nightmare, right?” Zuri asked, flopping down next to Jessie on the couch. She had her pj’s on and was ready for bed.

  “Yeah,” Jessie said. “She doesn’t seem to be good with kids. Or adults. Even the class bunny was spelling out ‘help me’ in food pellets.”

  “I’ll accept my apology in any of the three Bs: bucks, bacon, or bedtime extensions,” Zuri said hopefully.

  “Hey, Mrs. Falkenberg may be a pain, but you were out of line, too,” Jessie said. “So I’m going to show you how to be the teacher’s pet. Now get to bed, missy.”

  Zuri looked bummed. “So…the bacon is off the table?”

  Bertram stormed into the kitchen. A horrible racket had woken him from a sound sleep and he was not happy about it—especially because in his dream, he was on an island without children. He was even less happy when he saw that his kitchen was a mess.

  “Enough, Mrs. Kipling, I am sick of your moody behavior!” Ravi yelled from beside the fridge.

  Mrs. Kipling glared at him from across the room.

  “Ravi! What’s going on here?” Bertram demanded. “I was deep into my pre-bedtime nap.”

  “It is not me,” Ravi huffed. “Talk to the irascible reptile!”

  Mrs. Kipling hissed and then hurled a mug at Ravi with her tail. He ducked and the mug shattered against the wall next to Bertram.

  “My ‘World’s Best Butler’ mug!” Bertram wailed. He dropped to the ground and gathered the pieces. “I had to buy it for myself, but that doesn’t make it any less precious! What are you fighting about?”

  “I merely suggested Mrs. Kipling cut back on the crickets to lose the baby weight, and suddenly, she came down on me like a Mumbai monsoon!” Ravi said.

  Mrs. Kipling hissed at Ravi, clearly offended, and slithered out of the kitchen.

  Bertram shook his head. “I’ve never seen you two fight. I thought you were best friends.”

  “We used to be,” Ravi said sadly, “but twelve kids take a toll on a relationship.”

  “Even four kids is enough to make you want to end it all,” Bertram agreed.

  “Ever since the babies left, Mrs. Kipling has been so moody and snappish. We need a break. I am going someplace where I know I will feel truly welcome.…” And with that, Ravi marched out of the kitchen and headed up the back stairs.

  Bertram looked after him longingly. “Take me with you!”

  Ravi wheeled his suitcase down the hall and stopped in front of Luke’s open door. He had packed all the essentials and was ready to move in with his older brother. He knew Luke would be just thrilled to share a room with him.

  “Hello, roomie!” Ravi exclaimed, knocking on the doorframe.

  Luke opened the door, took one look at Ravi and his suitcase, and slammed the door in Ravi’s face. Ravi took a deep breath, pushed the door open, and walked in.

  Luke’s room was a mess. There were clothes strewn all over the floor and piled on Luke’s trampoline bed, stacks of moldy old dishes, and enough crumpled paper to write ten term papers.

  “Hey, Brother, I am moving in!” Ravi announced, looking around for a clean spot so he could set down his suitcase.

  “If the lizard smell has finally gotten to you, you’ve chosen the wrong room for fresh air,” Luke said, laughing as he noticed Ravi’s discomfort with the mess.

  “It is not the cage that stinks, it is Mrs. Kipling’s attitude. I can no longer share a room with her. Luke, please do for me this solid,” Ravi begged.

  Luke hesitated. “Ravi, I’d love to have you here, but—”

  “Great, I would love to have me here, too!” Ravi interrupted. He gave his brother a huge hug and then looked at Luke’s trampoline bed. “Thank you, bro. I assume the standard ‘no jumping on the bed’ rule does not apply in here?”

  Luke jumped onto the bed, bounced high, and did a flip in midair. “Nope! This is a rule-free zone,” he said.

  “Although clearly not a germ-free zone,” Ravi countered. He reached down and picked up a slice of moldy cake with a melted candle sticking out of it.

  “Hey! I remember that birthday!” Luke exclaimed. He grabbed the cake from Ravi and took a big bite. “Huh, it’s a little dry.…”

  “And fuzzy,” Ravi said, trying not to gag. “If you let me stay, perhaps I can turn that cake into an A-plus science project for you!”

  Luke shrugged and tossed the cake over his shoulder. “Snooze. What else do I get?”

  “The infinite joy of helping your brother?” Ravi said hopefully. “The time to bond and find the elusive camaraderie we have both been seeking?”

  Luke simply stared at him.

  Ravi sighed. “Am I correct to assume you want money?”

  “Bingo,” Luke said with a smile. He wrote a number down on a piece of paper and handed it to Ravi to read.

  “A ‘gazillion’ is not a real number,” Ravi said.

  Just then, Emma barged in, looking frantic.

  “Doesn’t anybody knock anymore?” Luke
said.

  “Sorry, but Mrs. Kipling is in my closet, cuddling my faux-lizard pumps,” Emma wailed. “Ravi, you have to come get her!”

  “No. I am giving her her space,” Ravi said.

  “No, you’re giving her my space,” Emma said, correcting him. “And I don’t want to share.”

  “Please, Sister!” Ravi exclaimed. He turned her around and pushed her out of the room. “I need some dude time with my bro, doing dudely bro things.” Once she was in the hall, he closed the door and turned to Luke. “Now, Luke, let us color-coordinate your closet.”

  Jessie and Zuri made sure to arrive a little early to school the next day, since they had a gift for Mrs. Falkenberg. They walked into Zuri’s class together and Zuri placed a large basket of apples on Mrs. Falkenberg’s desk.

  “Good morning, Mrs. Falkenberg,” Zuri said slowly and sweetly.

  “What’s all this?” Mrs. Falkenberg asked curtly, looking suspicious.

  “I thought you deserved something as sweet as you are! And speaking of sah-weeeeet, way to rock that pantsuit,” Zuri replied with her million-watt smile.

  “Thank you,” Mrs. Falkenberg said, smoothing down her outfit. “I got it when I bid on a storage locker.”

  Zuri gave Jessie a thumbs-up and then headed to her seat while Jessie began passing out papers. Mrs. Falkenberg sat on her desk chair, causing it to make a fart-like sound again. Zuri started to giggle, but Jessie silenced her with a sharp, stern look.

  Pleasantly surprised by the lack of laughter, Mrs. Falkenberg pointed to the map. “Okay, everyone, what do we see here? Anyone?” The room remained silent. “I see Paris, I see France. Zuri, what do you see?”

  Zuri turned and gave Jessie a pleading look. She wanted to laugh so badly that she felt like she was about to explode.

  Jessie shook her head and hissed at Zuri, “So help me, you do not see anyone’s underpants!”

  Zuri sighed. “I see…a country known for its Gothic architecture, haute cuisine, and modernist philosophy,” she replied. “And a vision of loveliness standing next to it.”